Relationship Advice Based on Psychology: How to Have A Healthy Relationship

Before thinking about romantic relationships in any detail, it is important to look at the reasons people have for wanting to have, or staying in relationships...
















Below are unhealthy and healthy reasons for wanting a romantic relationship. Everyone has a relationship for a mixture of these reasons, however if your primary reasons for having a certain relationship are unhealthy, or you have more unhealthy reasons than healthy ones, it is time to think a little deeper about where your relationship is headed. If you’re not in one, maybe think about how and where you’re looking for relationships… 

Unhealthy reasons for wanting a relationship:

• To feel less lonely
• To feel more appreciated
• To feel safer
• To be needed
• To be successful
• To gain self-esteem
• To gain confidence
• To have physical/sexual attention

These motivations for relationships are based on a lack of something or feeling that something is missing from your life. These motivations would exist before you have even met someone. Motivation for starting a relationship should not be superficial or self-centred. Too many of these reasons can lead to unhealthy relationships. For example if you want to be less lonely you may find you're placing most of your hopes for company on this one person. It can lead to unhealthy and unequal dependance.

You have to learn to love and accept who you are, before you can understand and appreciate someone else's love for you properly.

Healthy reasons for wanting a relationship

• Spending time with someone special who brings out the best in you
• Sharing emotions
• Sharing memories
• Committing yourself to someone you appreciate and care for
• Knowing someone intimately and loving them flaws-and-all
• Sharing experiences good and bad
• Supporting each-other
• Growing with one special person in all aspects of life
• Building familiarity
• Building mutual respect

Ideal Relationships

One of the most healthy relationship attitudes is that your spouse is free. They choose to be with you. You respect each-other and accept each other for who you both are.

Healthy relationships don't involve game-playing or manipulation. There is, however, a need for mutual interest, and both partners should be showing their commitment (perhaps in different ways) but you should be meeting each-other half way.

According to Psychological theorists, the love that you have in a serious relationship has three main 'components' - commitment, passion and intimacy. You need all three for a lasting relationship. Without committment you don't have loyalty and trust, without passion you don't have the drive and intensity, and without intimacy you don't have the familiarity and sharing.

Trust is vital for a healthy relationship - you need to know that you can trust your partner to be loyal and honest with you. As well as that (and harder to achieve) is faith - implicit trust and belief without proof. This is more of an instinct and you need to be very honest with yourself and your partner if this is missing, or not yet developed.

Text and Images Copyright © Lise Griffiths, 2012
All Rights Reserved

Being Assertive and Dealing With Confidence Issues With Effective Assertive Communication

What is Assertiveness?

Tweet: Assertiveness is the gateway to getting respect and getting what you want. 

There are four main approaches to communicating with people during any sort of conflict or confrontation, of which Assertiveness is the ideal approach. These are listed and described below for you to understand what assertiveness is, and is not.

Aggressive

People can become aggressive when feeling angry or defensive, and feeling threatened. Unnecessarily rude or intimidating behaviour, or even physical expression are all types of aggression, but even blaming your feelings or problems on someone else can be aggressive.

Examples might be: Shouting, swearing, shoving, name-calling etc. From abruptly saying ‘no’ to your boss, to shoving a kid to the floor in the playground, these are all aggressive behaviours.

Passive 

People often become passive, timid or introverted when they feel inferior or want to take a back-seat. This is often seen as being a 'pushover.' It may not even be due to a feeling of inferiority, it could even just be laziness. However in terms of dealing with conflict or confrontation, passive behaviour is being submissive, agreeable, and/or accepting. This is good to some extent, however someone who is being passive is not likely to stand up for what they believe in or make sure things go their way.

Examples might be: Giving in and letting someone else get their way when you deserved yours, agreeing to do a task for someone that you shouldn’t have to do, or saying ‘sorry’ when you did nothing wrong.

Passive-Aggressive

People become passive-aggressive or sneaky when they feel angry or threatened but they don't want to make it obvious in-case of confrontation or they don't want to take responsibility for it. They are caught between wanting to be heard or have their say, but not feeling confident enough about how to go about it directly and honestly. This is often seen as being 'catty.' 

Examples might be: Making hints about how you feel but not saying it directly, making jokes that aren’t really jokes – they are meant, deliberately doing something that will goad (or ‘wind-up’) another person, talking behind someone’s back (about them), or writing something on face-book that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Even blame and avoiding responsibility can be passive-aggressive. 

Assertive

Assertiveness is being direct and honest whilst still being polite, fair and considerate. Without assertiveness people's relationships can become very 'catty,' rumours can start, and misunderstandings can take place.

When people are assertive, they are decisive and composed. They directly say what it is they need and how they feel, and they take ownership of their emotions and experiences.

For example, imagine a group of your friends have forgotten to invite you to an important evening do. If you were being assertive you wouldn’t say ‘you made me feel left-out’ or ‘you didn’t care about my feelings’ because that puts the blame on other people – you’re assuming how they felt and what they did. If you’re being assertive you would say something like ‘I felt a bit left-out’ or ‘I felt a bit disappointed because I wanted to come.’ You know how you felt, so in stating it, you’re offering the truth, and the discussion can continue from there.

Assertiveness relates to confidence - knowing that you're making a valid point, truly believing in what you're saying, or even knowing how the other person is going to respond. If there's an issue, to be assertive you need to talk to that person to sort it out in a civilised manner.

Assertive people are not always right – but they admit when they are wrong and they take responsibility for their own actions. This isn’t easy, and does involve confrontation, but someone assertive expects this confrontation and deals with it instead of doing anything to avoid it.

It is important to remember that assertiveness is not part of a personality. Yes some people are generally assertive, but no one is assertive all of the time. Certain situations and certain people make us feel more threatened and more inferior, so then we resort back to being a little aggressive or even passive, or passive-aggressive.

Why is Assertiveness Sometimes so Difficult to Achieve?

It is our instinct to stick up for ourselves when we feel ‘wronged’ and to hide away when we feel threatened. These animal instincts lead to aggression and passive behaviour respectively. When these collide we can become passive-aggressive. A threatened cat will scratch, a frightened hedgehog will curl up into a ball. It’s sometimes an instinct we can’t fight, but we can be aware of it and consciously try to change it.

Assertiveness is a sophisticated and complex attitude and is unique to humans. We consciously decide to be assertive. It is normal to resort back to our animal instincts and it is important to know that everyone makes mistakes when confronted with conflict, disagreement, or any unfamiliar situation. It is the realisation of that mistake and the desire to rectify it through a civilised and constructive discussion that leads us on the path to assertiveness.

For more information and help with working on your assertiveness check back regularly for an update on my consultancy services. Alternatively contact me on the email address below for information. I am keen to build a service around what you want, so any feedback is valuable.

Email: lise.griffiths86@gmail.com

Text and Images Copyright © Lise Griffiths, 2012
All Rights Reserved

Improve Your Self Confidence & Self-Esteem With This Reliable, Psychological Help & Advice

Self-Confidence is Being Sure of Yourself, Familiar or Even Comfortable

Confidence is being sure of something. You can be sure that you're right about something, you can be sure that you're going to enjoy something, you can also be 'sure of yourself' in general. This last point is the general idea of ‘self-confidence.'

People experience this feeling of self-confidence at different times and in different situations. It is caused by different things, and happens to some people a lot more easily than others. One thing is for sure though, there is not a soul on the planet who is simply ‘confident.’ Confidence is a state of mind, it can even be an attitude.

The Psychology of personality tells us quite accurately that some people can be pre-disposed to being outgoing or ‘extroverted’ - finding it natural and easy to express themselves with others, but it does not mean that they ‘are confident.’ Confidence is a by-product of a set of circumstances and it is something everyone can, and will achieve. You just need the right familiarity, comfort, and most of all you need to work out what it is that you want to feel and be confident about.

Other People and Your Self-Confidence

When people say to me ‘I just want to be more confident’ or ‘I want to improve my confidence,’ the first thought that goes through my head is ‘with what?’ More often than not, the answer to that question is people. ‘I want to be more confident with people’. This points to a general lack of confidence with your social skills, your personality, or how you come across.

Let’s say you’re starting a new job and you’re afraid to ‘be yourself’ because of what judgements or conclusions people might make from your behaviour. You think of something really funny to say - you know it’s not inappropriate - but you don’t know if anyone will laugh. Or you have a question to ask about one of your new tasks, but you don’t want to sound stupid. You’re immediately assuming that you’re going to make a bad impression, and that you have to fit in with what your new colleagues perceive as normal.

This is quite understandable as you are the ‘newbie’ but who says anyone new automatically fits in as ‘normal’? You’re new to the job and you don’t know anyone for goodness sake! How can you fit in and know everything straight away? If you stick to the shadows and play it safe, you make no impression at all, and even risk coming across as rude or arrogant. If you be yourself and ask questions, and express yourself you will seem much more ‘human’ and your new colleagues will be able to relate to you. Conversations will start a lot easier and you will be accepted – ta-dah!

Different people have different effects on how we feel about ourselves. Think of the enormous difference between how you feel with an awkward work colleague (or your boss even) and how you feel with your best friend. Chances are, you think differently, and even behave differently. When you’re around certain familiar people whom you feel respected by, you are much more likely to feel confident.

When you're feeling this way, you might be happy to speak out and say what you think, or happy to ask questions and express yourself a little more. This might be because you are 'sure' of the outcome and you're not scared or worried about what might happen. You know that if you tell a joke, it will be funny. You know that if you say something really silly you won’t be laughed at through ridicule, but it will be through endearment instead.

You might also feel confident with people who depend on you or respect you easily (such as children, or novices in your area of expertise) because you feel in control and authoritative, or assertive (which is covered on the Assertiveness page).

Self-Confidence as a Pre-Disposition

As mentioned previously, people with an extroverted personality tend to express themselves more. It might be that you are like this with some people and not others. It might even be that you choose not to be like this.

One thing is certain though – When people are very aware of and positive about how others see them, they are often more confident to speak out, try new things and express themselves.

This is because they don't have unrealistic fears about what might happen to them if they do. This attitude comes more naturally to some people than others, but it doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to think this way. If you are a naturally submissive person, you might tend to accept authority easily. If you are aware of this you can train yourself to think ‘No, I am right. There is no reason for person X’s opinion to be more valid than mine’ or ‘What’s the worst that can happen if I speak out and voice this question? No one can tell me off or be offended, because I mean no offence.’

Authority and Your Self-Confidence

It is common for someone feeling 'shy’ or intimidated to underestimate their own authority or their own rights. They might fear that they will cause offence, or make everyone dislike them because of one comment for example. It is common to feel like this with new people because we don’t know them, or how they might react. We can’t second-guess what they are thinking. However if you have something to say which you firmly believe or understand, you will find it much easier to explain and stick by, so you won’t be as afraid to say it.

Some people feel very intimidated by a person in authority such as a boss. It can help to reason to yourself why they are in charge, and what they are in charge of. This might help you remember that they are not out to get you, thy just have a business to run for example.

Self-Esteem is the Value We Attach to Ourselves

It is a measure of what we think we are worth, how important we feel, and how much we feel we deserve to be happy and succeed. Someone with low self-esteem is generally unhappy with themselves and does not believe they are good enough or worth enough. This can be based on many aspects of how a person sees themselves (such as their looks, or academic weaknesses etc). It can be caused by a variety of experiences, most of which involve other people (family, school bullies, work colleagues etc).

Self-Esteem and its Relationship with Confidence

Self-esteem is linked to self-respect because someone who values themselves will usually respect themselves. Having good self-esteem, or valuing yourself does not always make you appear confident.

Some people are confident to speak out and express themselves, however inside they may not value themselves very highly, and therefore have low self-esteem, but higher confidence. Some people who are like this may find it easier to find self-worth or self-esteem from how they think others see them (e.g. by showing off, creating a version of themselves which comes across as 'confident' to others, or showing a general 'bravado'...)

Some people are quiet and dislike being the centre of attention, but they can still value themselves highly or have respect for themselves - therefore having high self-esteem and showing lower confidence. Self-esteem is important for achieving well. with good self-esteem you can believe in yourself and this will make you try harder and you won't give up as easily. You won't say to yourself 'well I knew it wouldn't work anyway' or the good old classic: 'I can't.'

High self-esteem and high confidence are the optimum combination to aim for. With both, you will be able to walk into an interview and ditch your nerves. You can simply roll your eyes and smile when someone beeps you for making a meal of a parallel parking manoeuvre. You can finally wear that piece of clothing in your wardrobe that you take out once a month and stow away again because it's 'too bold.'

What Self Confidence and Self-Esteem Are Not

Confidence and self-esteem are not the same as being arrogant, 'cocky' or big-headed. Arrogance is making others feel small or 'showing off' to make an impression to others, at the expense of dignity or modesty. Having high self-esteem makes you quietly proud and strong, not arrogant. When you have high self-esteem there is no need to show-off because all your self-worth comes from knowing that you're good at something, or valued - not from other people knowing it.

For more information and help with building your confidence and/or self-esteem check back regularly for an update on my consultancy service. Alternatively contact me on the email address below for information. I am keen to build a service around what you want, so any feedback is valuable.

Email: lise.griffiths86@gmail.com

Top Skincare Advice: Problems With Skin and How to Avoid Them

Enlarged Pores

Use toner everyday but don't forget to moisturise well afterwards as it can dry your skin out because the pores close and your skin produces or allows less sebum (natural oil) to naturally moisturise you. 

Cool water on the face or a hydrating spray will close the pores, while heat opens them up.

Some people have larger pores naturally.  Pore size is genetic also. 

Oily Skin

Avoid over-washing and over-stimulating sebum (oil) production. 

Wash your face with a mild and gentle cleanser and do it regularly twice a day and no more. 

Avoid touching your skin with your hands when you don't need to.

Flaky Skin

Exfoliate with a good facial exfoliator. Doing this with a rough cloth is also good but these can harbour germs so wash them at a high temperature regularly.  Moisturise well as this will keep the top layer of dead skin from drying out to fast. Avoid to much Central heating or air conditioning as dry air doesn't help dry skin.

Spotty Skin

Spots are a build up of natural oil on your skin. Wash regularly but not more than twice a day.  Avoid harsh cleansers as they dry the top layer of skin but not the trapped sebum or oil beneath. 

Squeeze white spots only. Do this when the skin has been soaked in warm water to open the pore and avoid any pinching as you will damage capillaries and this causes permanent redness in time.

This sounds mental but saliva actually helps get rid of spots. It must be the enzymes or something! A dab every few hours will do the trick and do it before bed.

Beat the Monday Blues with a Bedroom Make-Over: New Secret to Getting Up in the Morning!

Wake Up Happy

Cold, dark January, Monday mornings, and a messy bedroom. A recipe for a depressive mentality until at least 11am. I was determined to change this, and wake up happy. So I decided to make my bedroom wake-up-friendly.

A bedroom is a place to relax, so despite my affinity for bright colours and loud, dramatic artwork, I decided to calm down and think outside the box. I went to Homebase (Richard's favourite - not.That experience was enough to make anyone want to relax...) I walked along the aisles of paint (Richard huffing and puffing behind me, desperate not to identify himself with any form of DIY). Ignoring my urges for plush purple and bright aqua, I turned my attentions to 'forgiving' colours - easy to look at, and let's face it - quite bland (they always look more extreme on the wall). I chose duck-egg blue.

Then I chose my theme to compliment this. It's too easy to go for the same colour in the room's accessories, however too much of a colour can make you just sick to the back teeth of it. Also the room is quite small so I needed to break it up a little. I chose brown accessories and champagne silver. We luckily already had a luxury furry throw of exactly these colours so it looks great on the edge of the bed-frame. 

To brighten the room a little, and emphasise space, I used mirrors from The Range - really good prices and lots of choice! I also added a couple of white ornaments from Dunelm Mill - the bird cage garland was £5 and the white wicker heart was just £3! These match well with the white-washed wall which blends to the ceiling. Leaving these walls white keeps the room bright and airy. 

I also bought some false flowers from Dunelm to match the white and champagne colour theme. These face the bed so that the first thing I see when I wake up is pretty. 

To encourage low, subtle, calming lighting, I bought a table lamp. I hate using the main light in the bedroom - it's so harsh and unforgiving. The lamp was from Wilkinson's - such economy, wow! 

To set a 'feeling' or 'theme' we added a rustic clock from Lightinthebox.com (it was Richard's idea to have a French Roman-Numeral one, which was part of his Christmas present). This added a shabby chic feel, and I threw in some furry cushions from Next. These were £14 each, and are so incredibly big and soft. I also included some soft brown plain ones from The Range. 

My other accessories are items I already had, and felt complimented the feel of the room. They add to the 'ambience' and promote a little inspiration on a dull morning :)

And there we have it, a calm, inspiring and pretty room, with colours that compliment one-another and are easy on the eye. Waking up in this room is so much more peaceful and inspiring that the plain white room with a clothes-covered floor I was used to since we moved in! 

Black and Gold Party Nails to Beat the January Blues

Black and Gold Leaf Party Nails - Whoop-Whoop!

Craving Something Shiny in these Cold and Dark January Months? These black and gold party nails look even better in real life. I have had so many people noticing them and I really recommend them!

2 Black undercoats - Maybelline Colourshow (approx £2.99 from Superdrug)
2 coats of gold leaf - Bourjois Paris (comes free with two items of make-up in Superdrug)
1 Rimell Topcoat

Lasted at least 1 week with no chips :)

Nail Art Ideas & Transfers

Nail Art: Funky French Manicure!

I'm a creative person and I'm always itching to draw and paint, so of course, this is no different for my nails (when I can be bothered to make an effort with them!)

This design is a French manicure but instead of using the typical French white for the tips/free edges, I have used a subtle lilac with a lovely sheen.

The product is called 'Lunar Haze' from Boots - in the Natural Collection range. The iridescent shine is so lovely and it makes a subtle yet flattering finish when it's just used on the free edge of the nail.

Because the nail varnish is translucent you do need to follow the natural curve of the free edge as much as you can. This is so you don't have over-lapping lines where the nail varnish and the natural line marking the free edge meet.

Detailed Nail Art: Making Transfers

With details and patterns the thing that gets me in a flap most is having to paint with my left hand. I came up with the idea of transfers, and after looking online, I found that it is really easy to make your own nail art transfers!

1. Paint a layer or two of top coat onto some cellophane or plastic sheeting

2. Paint nail art designs on top in acrylic paint (or nail varnish but not too thick)

3. Paint a layer of top coat over this

4. Wait for it to dry

5. With your nail or a cuticle stick, scrape the edge of the top coat upwards to get an 'edge' so you can peel the design right off. Be careful of peeling only some of the design off - make sure the edge bit you've peeled is in an even line and you're peeling the whole length of the top coat.