What is Assertiveness?
Tweet: Assertiveness is the gateway to getting respect and getting what you want.
There are four main approaches to communicating with people during any sort of conflict or confrontation, of which Assertiveness is the ideal approach. These are listed and described below for you to understand what assertiveness is, and is not.
Aggressive
People can become aggressive when feeling angry or defensive, and feeling threatened. Unnecessarily rude or intimidating behaviour, or even physical expression are all types of aggression, but even blaming your feelings or problems on someone else can be aggressive.
Examples might be: Shouting, swearing, shoving, name-calling etc. From abruptly saying ‘no’ to your boss, to shoving a kid to the floor in the playground, these are all aggressive behaviours.
Passive
People often become passive, timid or introverted when they feel inferior or want to take a back-seat. This is often seen as being a 'pushover.' It may not even be due to a feeling of inferiority, it could even just be laziness. However in terms of dealing with conflict or confrontation, passive behaviour is being submissive, agreeable, and/or accepting. This is good to some extent, however someone who is being passive is not likely to stand up for what they believe in or make sure things go their way.
Examples might be: Giving in and letting someone else get their way when you deserved yours, agreeing to do a task for someone that you shouldn’t have to do, or saying ‘sorry’ when you did nothing wrong.
Passive-Aggressive
People become passive-aggressive or sneaky when they feel angry or threatened but they don't want to make it obvious in-case of confrontation or they don't want to take responsibility for it. They are caught between wanting to be heard or have their say, but not feeling confident enough about how to go about it directly and honestly. This is often seen as being 'catty.'
Examples might be: Making hints about how you feel but not saying it directly, making jokes that aren’t really jokes – they are meant, deliberately doing something that will goad (or ‘wind-up’) another person, talking behind someone’s back (about them), or writing something on face-book that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Even blame and avoiding responsibility can be passive-aggressive.
Assertive
Assertiveness is being direct and honest whilst still being polite, fair and considerate. Without assertiveness people's relationships can become very 'catty,' rumours can start, and misunderstandings can take place.
When people are assertive, they are decisive and composed. They directly say what it is they need and how they feel, and they take ownership of their emotions and experiences.
For example, imagine a group of your friends have forgotten to invite you to an important evening do. If you were being assertive you wouldn’t say ‘you made me feel left-out’ or ‘you didn’t care about my feelings’ because that puts the blame on other people – you’re assuming how they felt and what they did. If you’re being assertive you would say something like ‘I felt a bit left-out’ or ‘I felt a bit disappointed because I wanted to come.’ You know how you felt, so in stating it, you’re offering the truth, and the discussion can continue from there.
Assertiveness relates to confidence - knowing that you're making a valid point, truly believing in what you're saying, or even knowing how the other person is going to respond. If there's an issue, to be assertive you need to talk to that person to sort it out in a civilised manner.
Assertive people are not always right – but they admit when they are wrong and they take responsibility for their own actions. This isn’t easy, and does involve confrontation, but someone assertive expects this confrontation and deals with it instead of doing anything to avoid it.
It is important to remember that assertiveness is not part of a personality. Yes some people are generally assertive, but no one is assertive all of the time. Certain situations and certain people make us feel more threatened and more inferior, so then we resort back to being a little aggressive or even passive, or passive-aggressive.
Why is Assertiveness Sometimes so Difficult to Achieve?
It is our instinct to stick up for ourselves when we feel ‘wronged’ and to hide away when we feel threatened. These animal instincts lead to aggression and passive behaviour respectively. When these collide we can become passive-aggressive. A threatened cat will scratch, a frightened hedgehog will curl up into a ball. It’s sometimes an instinct we can’t fight, but we can be aware of it and consciously try to change it.
Assertiveness is a sophisticated and complex attitude and is unique to humans. We consciously decide to be assertive. It is normal to resort back to our animal instincts and it is important to know that everyone makes mistakes when confronted with conflict, disagreement, or any unfamiliar situation. It is the realisation of that mistake and the desire to rectify it through a civilised and constructive discussion that leads us on the path to assertiveness.
For more information and help with working on your assertiveness check back regularly for an update on my consultancy services. Alternatively contact me on the email address below for information. I am keen to build a service around what you want, so any feedback is valuable.
Email: lise.griffiths86@gmail.com
Text and Images Copyright © Lise Griffiths, 2012
All Rights Reserved
Self-Confidence is Being Sure of Yourself, Familiar or Even Comfortable
Confidence is being sure of something. You can be sure that you're right about something, you can be sure that you're going to enjoy something, you can also be 'sure of yourself' in general. This last point is the general idea of ‘self-confidence.'
People experience this feeling of self-confidence at different times and in different situations. It is caused by different things, and happens to some people a lot more easily than others. One thing is for sure though, there is not a soul on the planet who is simply ‘confident.’ Confidence is a state of mind, it can even be an attitude.
The Psychology of personality tells us quite accurately that some people can be pre-disposed to being outgoing or ‘extroverted’ - finding it natural and easy to express themselves with others, but it does not mean that they ‘are confident.’ Confidence is a by-product of a set of circumstances and it is something everyone can, and will achieve. You just need the right familiarity, comfort, and most of all you need to work out what it is that you want to feel and be confident about.
Other People and Your Self-Confidence
When people say to me ‘I just want to be more confident’ or ‘I want to improve my confidence,’ the first thought that goes through my head is ‘with what?’ More often than not, the answer to that question is people. ‘I want to be more confident with people’. This points to a general lack of confidence with your social skills, your personality, or how you come across.
Let’s say you’re starting a new job and you’re afraid to ‘be yourself’ because of what judgements or conclusions people might make from your behaviour. You think of something really funny to say - you know it’s not inappropriate - but you don’t know if anyone will laugh. Or you have a question to ask about one of your new tasks, but you don’t want to sound stupid. You’re immediately assuming that you’re going to make a bad impression, and that you have to fit in with what your new colleagues perceive as normal.
This is quite understandable as you are the ‘newbie’ but who says anyone new automatically fits in as ‘normal’? You’re new to the job and you don’t know anyone for goodness sake! How can you fit in and know everything straight away? If you stick to the shadows and play it safe, you make no impression at all, and even risk coming across as rude or arrogant. If you be yourself and ask questions, and express yourself you will seem much more ‘human’ and your new colleagues will be able to relate to you. Conversations will start a lot easier and you will be accepted – ta-dah!
Different people have different effects on how we feel about ourselves. Think of the enormous difference between how you feel with an awkward work colleague (or your boss even) and how you feel with your best friend. Chances are, you think differently, and even behave differently. When you’re around certain familiar people whom you feel respected by, you are much more likely to feel confident.
When you're feeling this way, you might be happy to speak out and say what you think, or happy to ask questions and express yourself a little more. This might be because you are 'sure' of the outcome and you're not scared or worried about what might happen. You know that if you tell a joke, it will be funny. You know that if you say something really silly you won’t be laughed at through ridicule, but it will be through endearment instead.
You might also feel confident with people who depend on you or respect you easily (such as children, or novices in your area of expertise) because you feel in control and authoritative, or assertive (which is covered on the Assertiveness page).
Self-Confidence as a Pre-Disposition
As mentioned previously, people with an extroverted personality tend to express themselves more. It might be that you are like this with some people and not others. It might even be that you choose not to be like this.
One thing is certain though – When people are very aware of and positive about how others see them, they are often more confident to speak out, try new things and express themselves.
This is because they don't have unrealistic fears about what might happen to them if they do. This attitude comes more naturally to some people than others, but it doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to think this way. If you are a naturally submissive person, you might tend to accept authority easily. If you are aware of this you can train yourself to think ‘No, I am right. There is no reason for person X’s opinion to be more valid than mine’ or ‘What’s the worst that can happen if I speak out and voice this question? No one can tell me off or be offended, because I mean no offence.’
Authority and Your Self-Confidence
It is common for someone feeling 'shy’ or intimidated to underestimate their own authority or their own rights. They might fear that they will cause offence, or make everyone dislike them because of one comment for example. It is common to feel like this with new people because we don’t know them, or how they might react. We can’t second-guess what they are thinking. However if you have something to say which you firmly believe or understand, you will find it much easier to explain and stick by, so you won’t be as afraid to say it.
Some people feel very intimidated by a person in authority such as a boss. It can help to reason to yourself why they are in charge, and what they are in charge of. This might help you remember that they are not out to get you, thy just have a business to run for example.
Self-Esteem is the Value We Attach to Ourselves
It is a measure of what we think we are worth, how important we feel, and how much we feel we deserve to be happy and succeed. Someone with low self-esteem is generally unhappy with themselves and does not believe they are good enough or worth enough. This can be based on many aspects of how a person sees themselves (such as their looks, or academic weaknesses etc). It can be caused by a variety of experiences, most of which involve other people (family, school bullies, work colleagues etc).
Self-Esteem and its Relationship with Confidence
Self-esteem is linked to self-respect because someone who values themselves will usually respect themselves. Having good self-esteem, or valuing yourself does not always make you appear confident.
Some people are confident to speak out and express themselves, however inside they may not value themselves very highly, and therefore have low self-esteem, but higher confidence. Some people who are like this may find it easier to find self-worth or self-esteem from how they think others see them (e.g. by showing off, creating a version of themselves which comes across as 'confident' to others, or showing a general 'bravado'...)
Some people are quiet and dislike being the centre of attention, but they can still value themselves highly or have respect for themselves - therefore having high self-esteem and showing lower confidence. Self-esteem is important for achieving well. with good self-esteem you can believe in yourself and this will make you try harder and you won't give up as easily. You won't say to yourself 'well I knew it wouldn't work anyway' or the good old classic: 'I can't.'
High self-esteem and high confidence are the optimum combination to aim for. With both, you will be able to walk into an interview and ditch your nerves. You can simply roll your eyes and smile when someone beeps you for making a meal of a parallel parking manoeuvre. You can finally wear that piece of clothing in your wardrobe that you take out once a month and stow away again because it's 'too bold.'
What Self Confidence and Self-Esteem Are Not
Confidence and self-esteem are not the same as being arrogant, 'cocky' or big-headed. Arrogance is making others feel small or 'showing off' to make an impression to others, at the expense of dignity or modesty. Having high self-esteem makes you quietly proud and strong, not arrogant. When you have high self-esteem there is no need to show-off because all your self-worth comes from knowing that you're good at something, or valued - not from other people knowing it.
For more information and help with building your confidence and/or self-esteem check back regularly for an update on my consultancy service. Alternatively contact me on the email address below for information. I am keen to build a service around what you want, so any feedback is valuable.
Email:
lise.griffiths86@gmail.com
