Self-Confidence is Being Sure of Yourself, Familiar or Even Comfortable
Confidence is being sure of something. You can be sure that you're right about something, you can be sure that you're going to enjoy something, you can also be 'sure of yourself' in general. This last point is the general idea of ‘self-confidence.'
People experience this feeling of self-confidence at different times and in different situations. It is caused by different things, and happens to some people a lot more easily than others. One thing is for sure though, there is not a soul on the planet who is simply ‘confident.’ Confidence is a state of mind, it can even be an attitude.
The Psychology of personality tells us quite accurately that some people can be pre-disposed to being outgoing or ‘extroverted’ - finding it natural and easy to express themselves with others, but it does not mean that they ‘are confident.’ Confidence is a by-product of a set of circumstances and it is something everyone can, and will achieve. You just need the right familiarity, comfort, and most of all you need to work out what it is that you want to feel and be confident about.
Other People and Your Self-Confidence
When people say to me ‘I just want to be more confident’ or ‘I want to improve my confidence,’ the first thought that goes through my head is ‘with what?’ More often than not, the answer to that question is people. ‘I want to be more confident with people’. This points to a general lack of confidence with your social skills, your personality, or how you come across.Let’s say you’re starting a new job and you’re afraid to ‘be yourself’ because of what judgements or conclusions people might make from your behaviour. You think of something really funny to say - you know it’s not inappropriate - but you don’t know if anyone will laugh. Or you have a question to ask about one of your new tasks, but you don’t want to sound stupid. You’re immediately assuming that you’re going to make a bad impression, and that you have to fit in with what your new colleagues perceive as normal.
This is quite understandable as you are the ‘newbie’ but who says anyone new automatically fits in as ‘normal’? You’re new to the job and you don’t know anyone for goodness sake! How can you fit in and know everything straight away? If you stick to the shadows and play it safe, you make no impression at all, and even risk coming across as rude or arrogant. If you be yourself and ask questions, and express yourself you will seem much more ‘human’ and your new colleagues will be able to relate to you. Conversations will start a lot easier and you will be accepted – ta-dah!
Different people have different effects on how we feel about ourselves. Think of the enormous difference between how you feel with an awkward work colleague (or your boss even) and how you feel with your best friend. Chances are, you think differently, and even behave differently. When you’re around certain familiar people whom you feel respected by, you are much more likely to feel confident.
When you're feeling this way, you might be happy to speak out and say what you think, or happy to ask questions and express yourself a little more. This might be because you are 'sure' of the outcome and you're not scared or worried about what might happen. You know that if you tell a joke, it will be funny. You know that if you say something really silly you won’t be laughed at through ridicule, but it will be through endearment instead.
You might also feel confident with people who depend on you or respect you easily (such as children, or novices in your area of expertise) because you feel in control and authoritative, or assertive (which is covered on the Assertiveness page).
Self-Confidence as a Pre-Disposition
As mentioned previously, people with an extroverted personality tend to express themselves more. It might be that you are like this with some people and not others. It might even be that you choose not to be like this.One thing is certain though – When people are very aware of and positive about how others see them, they are often more confident to speak out, try new things and express themselves.
This is because they don't have unrealistic fears about what might happen to them if they do. This attitude comes more naturally to some people than others, but it doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to think this way. If you are a naturally submissive person, you might tend to accept authority easily. If you are aware of this you can train yourself to think ‘No, I am right. There is no reason for person X’s opinion to be more valid than mine’ or ‘What’s the worst that can happen if I speak out and voice this question? No one can tell me off or be offended, because I mean no offence.’
Authority and Your Self-Confidence
It is common for someone feeling 'shy’ or intimidated to underestimate their own authority or their own rights. They might fear that they will cause offence, or make everyone dislike them because of one comment for example. It is common to feel like this with new people because we don’t know them, or how they might react. We can’t second-guess what they are thinking. However if you have something to say which you firmly believe or understand, you will find it much easier to explain and stick by, so you won’t be as afraid to say it.Some people feel very intimidated by a person in authority such as a boss. It can help to reason to yourself why they are in charge, and what they are in charge of. This might help you remember that they are not out to get you, thy just have a business to run for example.
Self-Esteem is the Value We Attach to Ourselves
It is a measure of what we think we are worth, how important we feel, and how much we feel we deserve to be happy and succeed. Someone with low self-esteem is generally unhappy with themselves and does not believe they are good enough or worth enough. This can be based on many aspects of how a person sees themselves (such as their looks, or academic weaknesses etc). It can be caused by a variety of experiences, most of which involve other people (family, school bullies, work colleagues etc).Self-Esteem and its Relationship with Confidence
Self-esteem is linked to self-respect because someone who values themselves will usually respect themselves. Having good self-esteem, or valuing yourself does not always make you appear confident.Some people are confident to speak out and express themselves, however inside they may not value themselves very highly, and therefore have low self-esteem, but higher confidence. Some people who are like this may find it easier to find self-worth or self-esteem from how they think others see them (e.g. by showing off, creating a version of themselves which comes across as 'confident' to others, or showing a general 'bravado'...)
Some people are quiet and dislike being the centre of attention, but they can still value themselves highly or have respect for themselves - therefore having high self-esteem and showing lower confidence. Self-esteem is important for achieving well. with good self-esteem you can believe in yourself and this will make you try harder and you won't give up as easily. You won't say to yourself 'well I knew it wouldn't work anyway' or the good old classic: 'I can't.'
High self-esteem and high confidence are the optimum combination to aim for. With both, you will be able to walk into an interview and ditch your nerves. You can simply roll your eyes and smile when someone beeps you for making a meal of a parallel parking manoeuvre. You can finally wear that piece of clothing in your wardrobe that you take out once a month and stow away again because it's 'too bold.'
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